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Millions of Romanians, Bulgarians preparing to ‘avoid UK like the plague’
Fears of a huge influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria have given way to indignation after a poll showed workers from the two countries are preparing to ‘avoid Britain like the plague’, when...
View ArticleStrafing of Lincoln prompts UK-operated drone rethink
The MoD is to reconsider the decision to remotely operate armed drones from Britain, after a house in a suburb of Lincoln was devastated by several missile strikes yesterday afternoon. In a statement...
View ArticleUK to drop ‘UK’ from name
The government is in early discussions with brand consultants over concern that having ‘UK’ in the UK’s name could be a contributory factor to the slow economic recovery. A sum of £9.5millon has been...
View ArticleSpanish authorities open diplomatic bag, remove Ferrero Rocher
Tensions between the United Kingdom and Spain reached ever higher levels as a member of the Gibraltarian parliament was stopped at the Spanish Border and subjected to the ignominy of having his...
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Russian invasion would infringe US/UK copyright
Prime Minister David Cameron has sent a stark warning to the Russian ambassador to London, saying that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law, could...
View ArticleCornwall secedes, calls in Welsh help
Shortly after the Cornish were granted UK minority status, Cornish independence party Mebyon Kernow have announced the county has seceded from Great Britain with immediate effect and can now be...
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UK blasts ‘uncaring’ US after Obama hails historic relationship with Poland
UK diplomats have asked for urgent reassurances from their American counterparts after news reports that US President Barack Obama has ‘rekindled’ the close relationship between Poland and the USA. At...
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Jihadists ‘not as focused on the World Cup as they should be’
Set against the backdrop of Kenyan massacres and Iraqi insurgency, FIFA is concerned that Islamist militants may not be giving Brazil 2014 their full attention. Despite wall-to-wall TV coverage, there...
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Nation decides to have ‘duvet year’
Britain woke up this morning, opened the curtains, took one look at 2011 and decided to go back to bed for the next 12 months. ‘Ah, what’s the use?’ said a council worker from Milton Keynes, summing up...
View ArticleUK on ‘National Treasure Red Alert’
The sudden and unexpected demise of American musician David Gest in Canary Wharf has sent the government department responsible for issuing ‘National Treasure’ status announcements into a tailspin....
View ArticleNext stop…Trump
The Great British half-baked electorate and Leicester City have proven the pollsters to be no better than a bunch of soothsayers, who spend their days counting Facebook likes and chicken entails....
View ArticleUK closed after disastrous health and safety report
The United Kingdom is to be shut down until further notice after a recent health and safety report raised serious concerns. Among a litany of failings identified by inspectors, it was revealed that the...
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UK simulation game crashes repeatedly: reboot imminent
Software developers have confirmed that their virtual reality simulation of the UK government has failed catastrophically. ‘It’s an ever-present risk with artificial intelligence’, explained The Man....
View ArticleAustralia to move closer to Britain following Brexit
Thanks to a shift in tectonic plates, a SatNav update and a petition from New Zealand, Australians are making a bold move to return to the motherland – or more accurately ‘where their sentencing took...
View ArticlePapua New Guinea tells Australia to ‘back off’
There has been international outrage at the revelation that Australia has been encroaching on its northern neighbours. The President of Papua New Guinea has ordered his armed forces (Eric and Bill)...
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Millions of Romanians, Bulgarians preparing to ‘avoid UK like the plague’
Fears of a huge influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria have given way to indignation after a poll showed workers from the two countries are preparing to ‘avoid Britain like the plague’, when...
View ArticleMet Office promises ‘gloomiest sky for 70 years’
Meteorologists were today said to be ‘cautiously optimistic’ that the skies over much of Britain would tonight be the gloomiest in living memory. ‘You might think a grey sky is a grey sky is a grey...
View ArticleMay: UK’s laser weapon will replace my flying monkeys
The Minister for Defence Procurement, Harriet Baldwin, has said that Theresa May’s traditional mode of defence – puffing up like an adder – needs to be updated. A £30m prototype laser weapon will help...
View ArticleMay concedes ‘UK to pay EU pocket money until 2022′
Although the UK government is set for a hard Brexit, it is finding some previous commitments are proving difficult to avoid. This includes payment of contributions for some future projects, and a...
View ArticleFictional funding at an ‘all time’ high
In the face of further cuts to the public sector, the Government was keen to announce that ‘fairy-tale budgets’ were increasing, with services set to be funded by magic beans and letters to Santa....
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